Supercommunicators
Tapping into our instinct for connection
Communication is a human superpower. We do it with art, music, words, gestures and even emojis.
Charles Duhigg should wield this power better than most. He is a professional journalist, a New York Times bestselling author and owner of an MBA from Harvard Business School.
Despite these credentials, he reached a point a few years ago where he had “become someone who couldn’t seem to read cues or hear what others were saying”. He sometimes “only half-listened to my wife”, “failed to empathize with coworkers” and “spent meals talking about myself instead of asking about others”.
That sounded familiar, not because I’m friends with him, but because I’ve done the same myself.
Duhigg decided to do something about it. He began a quest to figure out why some people were able to tap into their superpower, and become experts at building connections, while many of us struggle. These efforts culminated in his latest book: Supercommunicators: How To Unlock The Secret Power of Connection.
Helped, Hugged or Heard?
Duhigg says there are three types of conversation - practical, emotional and social. The first step to satisfying communication? Make sure both parties are having the same conversation.
If you initiate a conversation, take time beforehand to think about the type of response you want. For example, if you’re talking to a friend about work problems are you looking to vent and just be heard, or do you want them to suggest solutions?
If someone begins talking to you, figure out what they want. Ask a question about what they’ve said. When they answer, repeat it back in your own words and then ask if you got it right. That last bit is key – it signals you care about understanding and helps you figure out what they want from the conversation.
The best questions are not about the facts of someone’s life (what do you do for a living?). Instead, ask how they feel about their life (what do you like about being a lawyer?). This isn’t wokeism, it’s getting to values – how someone sees the world, what type of mindset they are in. When you get an answer, reciprocate with a response that reveals something about your own values.
There may be differences, perhaps large ones. That’s fine. Follow up by asking why they feel that way, then respond with your own why. There is an astonishing section in the book where people of opposed views on gun control discover their beliefs developed for the same reason - tragic events had left both of them feeling unsafe. They understood each other better after the conversation because they had uncovered a desire for the same outcome, even though they disagreed on how to achieve it.
Great Conversations Are An Antidote To Social Media
I mean this literally. We all know about the dopamine hit we get when someone likes our social media posts. That hit – or even just the anticipation of it – keeps us relentlessly checking our devices. It’s an addictive process, and one that’s wreaking havoc on our mental health, particularly for kids.
Turns out that great conversations also produce a dopamine hit. But the good feeling lasts longer and, more importantly, builds deeper bonds as opposed to stoking anxiety. Imagine if we got addicted to conversing and connecting in the same way we’ve become addicted to social media.
I don’t think that’s a crazy idea. Duhigg has laid out a path I think we can follow because it’s not fighting our nature, but tapping into it.
Identity Theft
One barrier to great conversations and connection is the use of single identities to characterize people. Labeling someone based on a single identity can easily trigger a fight or flight response. Neither state is great for communicating.
Why does this happen? The person being assigned to an identity might not want to be part of that group. Or they may feel the identify excludes them from another group that they want to be part of. We all have multiple identities, expand the conversation until you find overlap.
Substacker Heal Thyself
I got a chance to put all this into practice last week when I attended a conference with the theme ‘Being Human in the Age of AI’. It was an unusual gathering. No products were being sold. The speakers were all volunteers. Everyone shared a desire to learn about AI and figure out a way forward in a rapidly changing world.
I knew the conference organizers - Ben Hunt and Rusty Guinn of the excellent website Epsilon Theory - but no one else. Because of this I found myself scanning around for another loner to speak with during breaks. At lunch on the final day, I asked a woman who was sitting by herself if I could join her. Within minutes of chatting it was clear that we were on opposite sides of all the usual divides. I started to feel tense, frustrated, even a smidge angry.
But we both shared a desire to connect – the conference was literally titled ‘Epsilon Connect’. So…we worked at it. Turns out we did have common ground – we were both parents, spouses, somewhat north of 50. We had similar frustrations at work! My son had spent a couple of summers near her hometown, even though we lived 3,000 miles apart. We shared our perspectives, listened…connected. At the end of lunch she said, “well I’m glad we talked, I learned some things I didn’t know.” I repeated those sentiments to her.
And the good feeling from that conversation lasted far longer than the dopamine rush from the (35!) likes of my most recent Facebook post about the $46 grilled cheese sandwich I had come across in Napa.
Give it a try (conversation that is, not the sandwich).
Listen to my conversation with Charles Duhigg about Supercommunicators:
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I look forward to the podcast!
Great review. Will have to pick up the book. Interested in communication strategies and in interlanguage in general. Thanks.